Random Thoughts

Tonight, I am in my place watching over the busy streets below me.

Friday night.

I live on a street perpendicular to a gimik place. I came home later than my usual time going home. Traveling time is longer than usual.

Traffic.

Unlike any other nights, I walked the whole stretch of that busy street down until I reach the street where I live. My primary reason was to wake me up. I am tired from work and lack a decent sleep since I came home already 2 this morning and went back to work at the office a little past 9:00 AM.

Woke up at 5:30 AM.

I hear some laughter below my place. A gay bar is located a few steps from my building. Obviously, they ARE having fun.

I may be sounding like a grumpy, old and bitter complainant. I may be. I may be not. I’m just running down some thoughts here that strikes me once in a while. I tend to notice things happening around me lately. Perhaps, partially I am assessing my life.

Where I am now is the product of what I did prior to today and to what lead from yesterday. I do have regrets and the “what if’s”. Who doesn’t? I rant and I bitch around… well, lately, I am bitching. Hahaha! That’s one major learning this life taught me!

Funny thing is I complain when I have lots of things to do in my hand and yet, I am saddened when I have nothing at hand. Feeling useless and sudden thoughts lingers in my head. Thoughts I don’t care about before and now bothers or even haunts me. Questions, questions, questions… Ha! I am a normal human being after all. Humans are never satisfied.

It just struck me a while ago that I have no definite plans in my life. Well, I used to have before. Have a kid of my own, if there won’t be any man beside me but at least a kid to raise. But before that, I have to make sure that I can give this future child of mine a life if not equal should be better than what I am having. Then, it changed to living by myself and a pet dog, stable life. Stability is another word that is profound and uncertain for me right now.

I do live my life day by day. Surviving day by day. Troubled if my money would reach up until my next pay check. If I am asked now how and where I see myself 5 years from now, honestly, I’d panic. I do worry. Yes, I am a worrier… and a pleaser of others. I try to remove the pleasing part. All my life as I recall revolved around others. It’s hard to take it away but it’s a big step that I finally accepted that fact.

Where to start? Which one to retain? Where to go? Have alternatives?

One step at a time.

The Entry That I Owe

Obviously, this entry is more than a month’s old. I owe it to myself to announce as a form of acknowledgment, the changes that are about to take place.

It’s a new year for me and I decided to have a new life… well, a new way of life. CHANGES will be applied to my life.

Change no. 1: GYM
I planned to enter all my gym experiences on my first week but since it’s already “outdated” let’s just say it was OK. Learned some moves and “positions” which I never thought in my life I could do. Don’t ask. Perhaps the experience will be better read with my VBF’s entry HERE. I had a few cramps with the muscles I never knew ever existed until they ached last week Ü And my internal organs that seemed to be displaced was somehow re-ordered? Hahaha! I just felt my fallopian tubes were stretched after doing those awkward positions in public. But all is well. Hope it pays off in 12 months.

The gym to where Jose and I seek “refuge”… :p

But all is well, as long as I remind myself of this duty I am imposing to myself, I guess I am creating a new discipline. Though I have been skipping my gym time due to work or family duties, I really try to find time and travel to get to the gym. I really prefer going doing weekends rather than after work hours at weekdays. I don’t like crowds and it seemed like you have to fall in line for an equipment or something. But on weekends, like yesterday, you have all the space you want and no rush feeling for me.

Since it was a Sunday, not much of people working out in the gym specially when it is morning. Me and my VBF, Jose had gone to our routines and I decided to try the sauna for 15mins. Well, well, well… now I know how pigs feel when they are being baked! At 70 degrees Celcius, it seemed that all my fats inside me are boiling. Of course, I am exaggerating but at the 1st 5 minutes, I am perspiring like Maria Cristina Falls! I will do the sauna habit every after gym from now on… hihihi! Ü

Change no. 2: My OWN Place
Yup. Finally, I had the chance to move in my own place. It isn’t just a room but it isn’t really a full house setup yet. But I am having the place all by myself. A bit scary of course, but the excitement overpowers it. It’s a bit far from my work where I stayed for over a year and it’s literally a few steps away from my workstation. Now, it would take me 2-3 rides. But still, it’s my place… living there all by myself.

Right now, I have my comfy sofa bed, a trusty electric fan, clothes rack and a small suitcase to hold my clothes, a lamp and a stool that I can use to encourage me to work on my “personal” projects. Hopefully if I get to establish my billings and pay bit by bit my financial debt, I’ll buy a few more furnishings so I can invite a few friends to come over, at least they have chairs or bean bags to sit on

Change no. 3: TIME
I told my friend once that if time can be brought, surely I won’t afford it because it will be E-X-P-E-N-S-I-V-E! But will all these plans and changes I wanted to make, I have to MAKE time for it. All shall be for me, my self-satisfaction (and preservation) and all the rest will be secondary. I may sound selfish but those who know me would understand and will be happy for me for it’s been years that I have been satisfying other people, prioritizing others far from myself.

If I can’t make my deadline because from the start it’s unrealistic anyway, why bother kill myself for a f*cking deadline?! Leave it! Finish whenever. Pack and go home or go where ever my feet (and budget) bring me to.

If I am lazy or feels bumming around, or I just wanted to go out, cool myself inside non-infested malls or coffee shop, I’d do so. As far as I know I can compensate that action. All will be well

Bottomline, time for what I want and love to do… time for myself.

Exhale.

And there we have it. 3 changes that I shall partake. All about me, myself and I (period). Now, let me start doing it and continue those I’ve started.

Time and Plans

Where have I been? How time flies too quickly and am I being left behind? It’s almost the end of February… in a few weeks time it would be summer and a few more months I’d be 30!

Gulp!

What do I have in mind before I reach 30?
1.) Have a Jollibee birthday party… well, hoping that my niece, Noelle will be here but I don’t think she would be

2.) Have a tattoo… at the moment I’m thinking of a pair of wings by my back but still have no idea what design it would be. Or perhaps a scorpion creeping out at the back of my hips

3.) I should have a boyfriend which will be my husband by 32… but this is soooo impossible… I do like this guy BUT he sees me I think as just one of the boys

4.) Get drunk on my birthday and pass out… which never happened because I am a responsible drinker!

5.) Have my very own place… I got that one. But it’s not mine like own it. I am renting it but at least I can consider it my own since I am living by myself and paying the bills (well, most of it, I am paying. I still own my mom a LOT for lending me some… LOVE YOU, NANAY! Mwuah!)

6.) Have another children’s book illustrated… and this time I am going to do well. But at this moment, I am not happy with the outcome of my 1st study ☹ I pray that the publisher won’t take the chance from me (Lord, please don’t let that happen. I will try to be good)

7.) Bring my weight from almost 200lbs to the ideal 135lbs… well, I am enrolled to a gym with my virtual boyfriend (VBF) Jose but I have been skipping my classes due to work…

And with that I plan. Plan and hope I get to commit myself to those plans. Learn to budget my finances and TIME. And on the note… (yawn) I end the day with a few hours of sleep before I head to my day job… which is quite dreaded for the next 8 days because my boss-friend is not with us. The responsibility of maintaining the office in partly on my shoulders…

Gulp! Gulp!

Good luck to me then… force field… activate!