My Love of Siam

I just finished watching this movie…

It’s English translated title is Love of Siam. It’s a Thai movie. I learned it from Gian, my friend who’s assigned to work in Bangkok, Thailand.

I have been watching this movie since last week… watching it almost every night… over and over again…

And still cry again and again…

There’s some urge in me to hear it’s songs too. I searched over youtube.com and was luck enough to find some and marked it as one of my favorites.

You might see that it looked like an ordinary teen romance movie but wait till you see one fan tribute to the movie. Check out the link by clicking here. It tackles more than what close-minded critics just see it.

Personally, I guess Thailand has some special place in my heart. And seeing this Thai movie, plus another form of unrequited love did the “magic” of pressing my fragile spot.

At least there’s one thing I can relate to all these that’s happening to me these past few days. 

The only definite thing.

Blank…

A word that probably can describe me right now.

Blank to recount my mind. I don’t know what write or how to write it. The past days I have certain thoughts but somehow I am restraining to release it… or just really don’t know how to put it in words.

I am no writer.

Blank to describe how I feel. I don’t want to get up and open my eyes. Just want to sleep or let the days past.

Woke up early today and just rolled over the bed a couple of times forcing myself to doze off again. But I have to get up.

Routine.

Times you don’t care, you wouldn’t care and you feel no one cares. I guess that’s was it. When you reach the limit. That limit of unexplainable? I wouldn’t care. I guess…

Blank.

Careless.

Empty.

Back to Reality

A week has past from the trip and the “fever” that I acquired from it.

Posted my photos in Multiply and as days passed it seemed hard for me to sort out the photos and files for personal archiving and for re-posting to those other social websites.

Other projects wanted to outdo the other. As if fighting to get my attention, well, my priority actually… from re-doing a box diecut, re-sizing a countertop display and digging up archived file for a quite old project just to name a few

The Bangkok video greeting setup for the client seemed to be working since I don’t receive any emails, IMs or SMS from Gian on inquiries or problems on it. That’s a good sign Ü But I remind myself on each day that ends, videos to animate accumulates :-S

No word from Ten and I feel a bit sad that Put didn’t reply in my messages through SMS and MSN

A sign that everyone’s busy. Everyone’s back on their individual lives.

Reality.

I have a couple to things in mind to blog. Both has something to do with Bangkok and my trip there. And some, well, quite personal. But I sort of lost the interest of writing them. I don’t know. Lately, I just feel being slowed down and held back.

Sigh.

Disclosure

It’s hard to admit that despite the fact that I always announce that I am over him or at least getting over him, that I am avoiding him or obviously ignoring him, I still swoon over his non-work related text message when I get one from him. What more hearing his voice.

Why can’t I pick up the pieces and redeem myself from this guy… WHY?!

Such a loser… and with that, I despise myself.

Damn it!
Damn it!
Damn it!

ARGH!

A Face of Another Hell

I had to let this out…

The last minute of VDay. Sadness peeked in. While lying in bed, about to sleep I gave in with this thought of wishing about this guy…

Texted a few dear friends who knew about it. Received a message a while ago telling me what I actually expect of them to say.

I already knew actually what to do. I advised it to other friends as well. It’s just that it’s really hard to apply it when it’s you who’s in that situation now.

Professed it or not, I made a decision. I HAVE to deal with it. Vulnerable that I am, I liked him (from hating him at our first encounter) quite fast, got along with him, I think I fell quite hard and expected too much. Now it’s taking a long time to get over it.

A hard thing to swallow is the mistake I made of thinking, of hoping despite the self-reminder that it could be just a one-way thing. I hoped. I really hoped.

Recovery is hell.

In Memoriam: Rene O. Villanueva

A former colleague in my first work in PCTVF (Batibot) texted me yesterday that Sir Rene was in ICU in Philippines Heart Center Hospital. I informed everyone that I know who knows him.

And today, while I’m headed for Kalibo, Aklan… a friend of his texted me that he already passed away.

Rene O. Villanueva, children’s writer for books and television. And a professor in creative writing in UP Diliman. 

Sir Rene as we call him being our head in PCTVF during my internship and later on as they absorbed me as their graphic designer/multimedia artist in the foundation.

I am honored to have worked with him and had a chance to re-illustrate one of his children’s book under Adarna Publishing, Inc.

My respects to you, Sir Rene. You will forever be revered… and will truly be missed.

May you have lived a full life you wished it would be.

May your soul rest in peace.

Query to Self

I took a break as mentioned in my previous entry. But that break seemed useless now. For some reason, I am exhausted. It might be a break down… I’m not quite sure.

I have lots to share… one is about that lovely visit of mine to Cebu and Bohol… another is some “learnings” from experiences on work. When shall I post any of the mentioned, I am not sure now.

Awhile ago I am f*cking mad. Now, I am tired.

To think it’s the eve… yup… tomorrow I am 30.

Darn.

What a way to welcome my supposedly day… yey.

Deprivation and Sleepy Head

I am in my place, in my bedroom. Today is my second day of declared holiday. My team, led by my boss-friend declared a close shop. We are to have a vacation, or at least a break from work, from our client.

I have always told my friends that for me, the best vacation (and the cheapest one too) is just being by myself, at home, sleeping. Well, if I’m not asleep, just lodging around… doing whatever I like. Yeah. That one, doing whatever I like.

2 consecutive days I got up later than usual. But I still have to drag myself up. I just want to sleep all day…

Sleep all day…

Up until now, I’m wondering why I’m still sleepy despite the fact that I woke up late and got at least the 6 hours sleep?

What’s with me?

Am I depriving myself of simple self-gratification? But I have to finish up something. Well, honestly, that something has been a pain in the ass. ARGH!

I’d better give in to this sleepiness of mine. I got up at 8:30AM took a bath, ate breakfast and now it’s 10AM… I’m still sleepy.

Wish there’s a prince charming to wake me up and not some witch texting me!

ARGH! Life is not all f*cking fairytales.

Awakened?

Have denied love
Forbid myself from falling again
Come ‘til the time is mine.
Mine that will stay…
Stay in a different way.
Thinking this was it
Felt happy but with uncertainty
Come the time I was to admit
That I may have been falling
But denied by the thought
All was delusion.

____________

Just some random thoughts… :p

Misery

Transcribed from the original handwritten entry while waiting for almost an hour at Ayala MRT Station.

I don’t feel good today. Well, what’s new? The week did not seem to start right. So now I can say it is definitely a not-so-great-week for me. Some blame it on the weather. Some blame it on the stars. Even some blame it on my diet.

Wow.

I really fell bad that I wanted to scream on someone till their eardrums explode. Though imagining it relieves me. Odd isn’t it? Yet almost suiting for me. Temporarily.

I really feel down again. I seemed couldn’t control my own life. As if it’s a machine owned by me yet being used by someone else. I always have to be the one to adapt for others, feel for others and if they’re not having a good life it is I who’s to be blamed.

Ask me now what happiness is? Simple –– being alone, by myself in my rented place and all the time to spare for myself and with whatever I decided to do –– that is HAPPINESS.

As far as I know, I’ve been a good person. A good and abiding daughter to my parents. I never brought trouble in our family. A good and reliable sister to my brothers. A good and loyal employee. A good and trusted friend to almost everyone and anyone. I could have done some backbiting once in awhile, out of anger and frustration. But it’s not my nature. As far as I know, I’ve never hurt or made anyone cry. It is I, who always get hurt.

Actually, it’s one in my list that wanted to achieve (hopefully) before I die –– to make some cry.

Weird as it may seems but it is in my list, to make someone cry. I always cry. I cry in my room, in the dark even at times in our work bathrooms just to hide. I wonder how it feels when you made someone cry… like making one’s life miserable? Could it be that fulfilling? Right now, I really consider it as an achievement… if it ever happens.