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Monthly Archives: January 2007

Sensing Sensibility?

What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.

I have never been that angry in my life that I felt that I am capable to kill. Well, of course that’s the worst that I can do at that time. But I really don’t know what I am capable of doing at that time last week. I just glad that there are friends around me you are talking to me and keeping me cool or I might have done something I might have regretted doing in the first place.

It’s hard when you are caught between your emotion and rational moves. I mean, the rage can really lead into something that is remorseful and definitely you are not sure if you are thinking logically.

So, I was caught in between colliding pillars.

It has consumed my time and energy. I wish it was as easy as crumpling a piece of paper and throwing it in the trash can or just simply a combination of cmd+Q or apple+Q to quit all of it.

But that’s life… it isn’t as simple as it is. It’s the complications and challenges that makes it colorful as they say. But for how long shall I endure all the “brightness” (sarcastically) it brings forth?

As much as I wanted to scream or attack certain people and/or issues I had to restrain myself and TRY to make my mind work over my emotions. I don’t want to regret anything that I am capable of doing (as mentioned in my previous entry) that would ruin my team, hence my name. It took me years to gain such respect somehow and protected my reputation. I won’t let anyone (specially… hmp!) to take it away just like that.

Take all the credits, capture everyone’s heart, pin my team down… today might be your day but I’ll have mine.

I won’t bow down to your level.

 
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Posted by on January 29, 2007 in Emotional and Physical Turmoil, Realizations

 

Keeping It Steady

It’s some hell on earth that’s for sure.

My anger is spiking up every minute since the other day. I had to go out. My trip to the gym yesterday somehow helped. But it wasn’t totally removed. I have to deal with this in one way or another.

I told a dear friend that with my rage yesterday I think I have that capacity to kill. I have never been in this kind of rage that I would think of such actions. I had some erpted fights before and the aftermath is not nice. I definitely don’t like the feeling. By nature, I am really nice. Not that I’m bragging it. I wanted everyone that I know of happy. I share my blessings in any way that I can. So imagine me in a bitch mode… would something no one shouldn’t come into contact with.

I love my job. I am trying love most of the people around me if not all of them. And definitely, I am giving love to myself more now than before. I had to remind myself now of that before I make some decisions, some “moves” that I may regret of doing.

Breathe in… breathe out.

Too bad I missed the cardio kickboxing class. It would have been a great help in releasing it.

I wish at this very moment, that the button WON’T be pushed…

 
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Posted by on January 25, 2007 in Emotional and Physical Turmoil

 

Resolution or Absolution

I had to admit that I am still affected with an event in my life that took place a few months ago. An event that brought that oddly stupid smile on my face, a few drops of tears and the rage of anger from within.

As much as I want to close it and leave it behind, it springs back right in front of my face. Perhaps, instead of forcing it in a box or locking it in my closet, I have to deal with it by accepting it, facing it.

Today is Sunday. I was a bit down last week. Physically and emotionally. I skipped gym last week and with some advice from dear friends somehow I tried grabbing some rest. Rest in a sense of sleep or no work at all.

I decided to go to mass this morning. I made sure that I catch the mass in this small monastery near our place. I always liked quiet places in the thought that perhaps I can hear myself… or God talking to me. (Well, I wish if ever I DO hear a voice talking to me, He IS God and the guy downstairs!) Hahaha! Too bad, it’s not the priest who gives good, sensible and practical homily that was the celebrant. Tried to focus and prayed.

I asked God to give me strength in the changes I’ll be implying in my life. I also asked that He bestow me more patience and understanding that I will not engage myself to rage and anger and do some actions that I will regret in the end. I don’t want to be involve in anything or anyone that I am not comfortable with. I asked him to bless these people who challenges my capabilities that they won’t experience the same pain that they are inflicting to others. And I wish them well.

Though my VBF will testify, I was about to breakdown a few hours ago. Until I’ve sorted myself again.

I am really quite unstable. That’s why I decided to stay away quite a bit first. I don’t want to be near “some” specific people. Like stupid one.

Sorry, Lord. I know, humans are created in Your image and likeness. Let’s just say God might have some glitch in creating those… ok, enough “s” word.

But honestly, my prayers for them and myself is sincere. Let them be happy too but I should be happy-ier of course! Let me have my own share of happiness and satisfaction in other forms.

Karma as we joked around these days is FEDEX (as in the cargo thing). Because it’s fast and delivers to you right in your doorstep the very next day or even earlier. But seriously, I believe in karma. That it’s the sum of a man’s actions in relation to his fate or destiny. The effect from cause, in all his actions.

I hope I really get over this. And I am trying to move on and deal with “it”.

 
 

Breakdown

I was proud yesterday. Proud that despite the achoo-sniff-cough-cough I am still up and standing. I continue to work because I love what I’m doing, I believe in what I am doing and the people I work with. But some people just don’t know how to appeciate hard work. Oh well, some people just have no brains at all.

Yes. I am mad. Well, I’m quite tamed now compared yesterday. Perhaps if I’m not carrying any virus in my system, most likely I’ll be blowing up like a volcano. Thank God I still have some control before I’ll regret the action I could have done out of anger.

It’s all mixed up. Well, I should have placed some limitations and draw boundaries. Work is work. Personal is personal. Now, I am trying to sort things out on work first. It may sound funny but it’s easier on my side to do that. Plus the fact that more is greatly affected. You might be thinking to start with me personal issues, but it’s much harder for me… it’s a long story…

Anyway, I promised to myself, all will be different and all should be settled (somehow) for me. Hoping that it will radiate to others as well. I know I am tested. I know I still have friends and other concern people around there supportive of me. But those provoking me to give up and testing my patience and wits are checking in. I pray that God would somehow strengthen me and give more understanding and patience in these tests I am undergoing.

I may have been stepped on, kicked in the groin, slapped on both cheeks, etc. etc. But I always pick up the pieces and fix it up myself. I don’t know up till when I’ll be doing so but definitely, definitely I’m not giving in. As my friend-boss told me to reast as he aw me yesterday over iChat that I sounded and look really sick. I told him, I can still manage to get up from the bed ;) My body may collapse but my heart and mind will continue to fight back.

My flag is still up.

Nemcy is not giving up.

 
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Posted by on January 19, 2007 in Emotional and Physical Turmoil

 

Coping and Slowing Down

Kudos to myself.

1.) Because I manage to pull myself up from my bed this early morning despite the fact that I stopped doing the mockups just a few hours before I went to bed. Plus the fact that I am taking meds now (which seems not to be working) and antibiotics makes me drowsy and have this uneasiness in my stomach.
2.)
I’m still sane and manage to control myself and not have those sudden “explosions of emotion” like what had a happened a few days ago.
3.) I am blogging directly. I have the courage of writing down without being conscious of what my mind is thinking and my fingers are transcribing. I have to practice doing this more often.

We are one man down. My boss-friend, the head thinker and only thorn among the roses in our team, is perhaps preparing his day of full meetings in Thailand with our client. They are to present the line of products we are proudly producing. They are to stay there for almost a week. We, the roses, left here in the office. Me, somehow partially manning (and doing) most of his works and have to keep myself cool and poise despite the aggravation that requests coming in left and right may do to me.

I pray that I don’t crack under pressure or at least my body won’t breakdown. *A-chooooo

* Sniff… cough-cough

It’s 7:30 AM, the person who suppose to pickup all thge mockups and sales kit that I am working on since yesterday, is no where in sight. And recalling my list, there’s more to come since the client will have a few more sets of Brand Associates (BAs) to send outside the Philippines!

* Oh, Lordy!

I like what I am doing right now. Believe me. This is the best job I’d ever loved despite the fact it is the most demanding and the least pay I’ve received. But when you are enjoying what you are doing, all is making sense. There some downsides but some my skills are recognized and put to use. Multitasking is inevitable. We are a young and starting design and banding consultancy group. But our load and pace on work is comparable to a big agency. I may sound bragging but that’s the truth. I can proudly say that.

We are challenged. We need to be fast but we had to be very careful on the way. Personally, I have to keep my head above the water. If not answer, at least hear each one questioning what me and team is doing. We work on a non-corporate type of system. We are guerillas. So expect surprises and non-conformity as we expect “violent” reactions from others as well.

At this very day, I now can claim (and finally accepted) that I am a workaholic. Isn’t it obvious? I only stop when my fingers can’t type or my eyes can’t see what’s on my monitor. The demands are high and I know we can deliver. Why stop?

I rememer in one of our weekly client meetings, the client mentioned something that got stuck in my head… we work only for the best, so we should expect the outcome should be it’s best (or something like that…).

BEST.

We are not exactly rushing. It’s bad to rush because it’s prone to mistakes and errors. Well, I say it demands on who is working and how you handle it. Right now, it might be my adrenalin (or the antibiotics) working on me. Why slow down now? But I will… once I delivered EVERYTHING.

And I am writing this, Freddy Mercury of Queen is singing to me an ample song for this blog. And he is indeed right because The Show Must Go On.

 
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Posted by on January 17, 2007 in Realizations

 

Fragile and Wounded

I am sick… physically sick. I have been coughing and sniffing since the past few days. My head’s been aching and it seems like my brain is swimming in.. well, let’s not be graphic. But I’d rather feel sick in this way if it isn’t any obstruction in my work.  I  have less than 6 hours sleep in total for the last 2 days and my fingers and hands are sore in cutting.

Wow.

I have to produce mockups of 17 boxes and 27 sachets in total plus 10 sales kit that needs to be cutout and assemble. And they are all needed to be all done by 7:00 am TOMORROW.

*A-choo!* 

*Sniff*

*Cough-cough*

Avoid sneezing on the boards or else I will have extra dots and I have to redo it again. Eyes are puffy and seemed to popout every time I sneeze. Plus my nose feels like falling off as well. Sometimes I imagine, what if parts of the body are attached via velcro… easy to remove and replace when damaged.

Well, one part will definitely be a best candidate. That pumping machine right in the center of it all… all battered and tormented. It needs a break and rest. And perhaps I’d replace it with a cold-stone.

You wish…

 
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Posted by on January 17, 2007 in Emotional and Physical Turmoil

 

List No.1: To Tell or Not the Tell

I have been in much thought on what to do when you like a person. I was in this situation for sometime now. It’s quite complicated actually. I had to weigh things and a few good friends did help me out get through it. So how did it go? I made a list of what is it for me if I let him know or not.

If I tell, I get to:

1.) Free myself – of the suffering I am in. Suffering in the sense that even in my dreams he is there. Fantasies it may be but still, sleep should have been rest for me. But I still carry the thought and unconsciously I am quite bothered by it. I may wake up with that odd smile but waking up comes to reality. He isn’t beside me.

2.) Do something I never thought I’d be doing – well, there is always a first time as it says. On the same situation before, I just stayed in the corner and watch the guy walk away with worst, in some girl’s arms.

3.) Know how he feels too – well, being a gentleman, one should at least acknowledge it and be honest enough to answer back… even if it’s the worst answer you’ll get or a bonus of having the same feeling as well.

4.) Lose the friendship – it’s one of the worst that could happened specially if the guy is somehow shallow. But then again, I get to regain my post and let life be. I was ok before he came, why not now that he’s gone?

I had ALMOST go for telling the guy. But come to think of it:

If I don’t tell him, I get to:

1.) Keep our friendship – it all started from there I guess. And keeping it is a reward somehow. If there is really one after all.

2.) Protect my reputation – The most important of all reasons! I am not the type who shouts to the world how I feel. I get to share it with close friends. I may be transparent in my emotions and feelings at times but I am not the type who professes her intentions. And what I cherish more and would want to keep it all tight at the end of the day is character, my name.

The decision was made. Last night was the last straw…

Come to think of it, I have created a fairy tale on my own benefits but in the end it’s all just a story. So if I made it, I can end it to the way it should be… for my benefit.

It’s not all fairy tales…” quoting my VBF, who am sure is jumping of joy and clapping at the same time learning about this “acceptance” I just made.

So why tell when he isn’t worth it after all?

 
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Posted by on January 15, 2007 in Realizations

 
 
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