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Selfish or Be Foolish?

12 Feb

That conversation with Tats (my professor-friend now neighbor) made me think that perhaps it’s a reason why I can’t seem to let go of this person. Self-preservation as it should have been, but I think it has been my nature to be not that selfish despite the fact that I am trying to be one.

Some people do really have that gift of talking at people. Whether to ease them or to talk you over about something. I have let some people talk it over with me, hence letting them in me. It’s a good and bad thing of course.

When you aren’t an effective communicator, meaning, you were not able to convince the person you are talking to favor your side then someone rubs it on your face… it’s a double whammy!

Ouch.

That was some invisible slap on my face.

And all along, I thought… well, I believe I won’t be able to “recover” if I won’t shield myself from him or just the thought of him. You really are not sure who’s on your side and who isn’t. At the end of the day, you are left alone to pick up the broken pieces and to take care of yourself.

Gees, where have I been?! Earth to Nemcy?… Gahd! Have I lost my wit?!

Jose, my dear VBF, I know that you know you are always right about “it”. Is it just that I am not assured of the effect if I spill it out to him. My peace of mind is definitely worth it but is it assured that I’d get it? But thank you for sticking to your foolish VGF.

Last night, after the send off party for a client, I’ve let myself be bothered by a fairy tale happy ending (again). Yes, I was hoping I’d get to save someone from the witch!

Hahaha.

And you thought I am the one to be saved? Nah! I never planned nor dreamt of being a princess or a damsel in distress who needs to rescued. Well, it could have been nice if that would happen, BUT ever since I could remember, I never ever played that role. I never wanted to be the weak and the needy. I have always believed that it’s better to do something by myself as much as possible so I won’t owe anyone favors hence not bothering anyone. And arrogant as it may sound, an assurance that I get things done properly if I am the one doing it. In which, in some cases I guess is not applicable.

I have always been the ‘messiah’, as one friend of mine refers me. It has both a good and a bad connotation. Good that you tend to be helpful, but bad if they tend to be dependent on you too much… and in this case, he need not to be rescued.

“Lalake ako…” (trans.: I’m a man), is all I could remember him saying when I asked if he’ll be all right. Well, who was the one vomiting in the bathroom and is numbed by alcohol? So much for being a “concern” friend.

He wasn’t asking to be saved.

Ergo, I got disappointed and somehow it was an invisible slap (again) on my face.

I don’t have a car…
I am not financially stable…
I don’t bring home a hefty 5-digit salary…
I don’t have a singing voice…
I am not fashionable…
I am not voluptuous but have a body that seemed to have catered 3 kids…

In 5 minutes, I was in my place, stripped my clothes off and took that ice-cold shower I deserve. A wake up call… to the reality I should have been swallowing the whole time.

Lesson learned: The selfish and not the selfless who always gets the last piece of bacon.

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