It’s a Sunday. And each person has their way of spending the last day of weekend before Monday, a school day some or a work day to others come.
I have been haggling my weekends to cope up with personal and family duties. Lately it’s been for family. Honestly, I am not happy. I do that because I feel that I am oblige to.
I am already turning 30.
I am always the good daughter. The one that follows orders and the one that don’t want to hassle or be of a hassle to anyone, specially to my parents. I tried to be part of the honor class and have awards from kindergarten to high school. Graduated college though without honors (‘cause I found it useless in my course), I have a good name and reputation in the said college and among faculty. I always have good recommendations if I need to.
I am used to living with other people. At the age of 13, my parents let me live with other people. Independence is a word not alien to me. I decided to get a place of my own in the heart of Quezon City. It’s quite a lot to pay if you just deduct it to my regular salary. But if I really, really save up and get other projects, I’ll be able to get through. Right now, the rent is being paid from the checking account of my mother since it’s the one I used… with permission of course.
Now, the dilemma: I know I am of debt to my mother that’s one reason why she could be acting that why… trying to control me of some sort.
That’s a reason too why I feel guilty when she cries or feel bad that I drop everything (even my work) then flee to her side.
I know… it might have been too late but right now, I am just fed up. She calls and ask if I’m going home. I said, I can’t. I still some some work to do and go somewhere for something. I knew from the sound of her voice that she’s crying (or trying to cry). She said it’s ok if I don’t go home, sarcastically of course. Then say, if she knew that she’ll end up this way she shouldn’t got back here and stayed TNT (an alien in hiding) in the US. Then she hungs up.
If it happened last week (which somehow did happened in a different scenario) I did dropped my schedule and went home a few hours after her call. But this time, I didn’t. No SMS or call backs from me.
I did ask my brother in the US to call me and we had quite a talk. I envy him for being the ultimate rebellious son (in my mother’s eyes) from the very first adolescent hair he might had, up until now. Now he’s free in every way you could imagine. Far away and free.
Again, I am turning 30 in a few months time. In debt but have a job. Have a father who’s going to the US in a few weeks time and I will be left here… with my mother.
I love my mother, don’t get me wrong. Despite the drama, I adore her and admire her for being the strongest person I’ve ever known. For her courage to face all the ill-fate she receives from our antagonist relatives to the socialites that used and abused her. I’d like to be strong as she is… MINUS the drama, of course! I just can’t stand anymore being dictated by her. Nothing and no one is right but herself… that’s how I see it now.
I want to have my time for myself, do what I want… and simply, go home whenever possible and whenever I WANT to.
If you we’re my mother, am I such a bad, useless, guiltless daughter?