I feel upset. At least that’s for sure. For what specific reason I am not quite sure. Or perhaps I am in denial of the reasons why I am in such condition.
Upset in the sense that I am hurt, sad, disappointed, angry and hate myself.
I thought I am done and over with this certain guy. Deleted his messages, our photos or anything in relation with him. Even avoided any chance of our paths crossing. And here I am still getting hurt and still affected.
My brother just emailed me my Tatay’s (father) e-ticket. Tatay finally got his US Visa through my brothers petition. I am happy for Tatay, I should be. He deserves to be there with my Kuya (brother). But I can’t deny that I am sad and could cry just the thought of it. I can now say that I am a daddy’s girl because of how I am affected with this thought. He is to leave me by the end of this month.
How come I can’t fight back and defend what I really wanted and stick to my plans when my mother sudden rants or cries to me? I hate being the goody-goody obedient daughter! Right now, I wished I just became the hard-headed offspring that talks back to their parents. I so envy my Kuya Nahnel, I wish he advised how to get away with it.
I feel such a baby in reacting this way. I am disappointed to myself that I didn’t live up to the dream and standards that I wished I’d had by the age of 30. I will be 30 in a few months time. And here I am ranting and hating myself.
I have to acknowledge this feeling to get this done and over with…. Or at least lessen that heavy feeling.
Wanted to just stay in my place, in my bed and sleep the whole day. Escape temporarily. But I simply can’t do that.