Transcribed from the original handwritten entry while waiting for almost an hour at Ayala MRT Station.
I don’t feel good today. Well, what’s new? The week did not seem to start right. So now I can say it is definitely a not-so-great-week for me. Some blame it on the weather. Some blame it on the stars. Even some blame it on my diet.
I really fell bad that I wanted to scream on someone till their eardrums explode. Though imagining it relieves me. Odd isn’t it? Yet almost suiting for me. Temporarily.
I really feel down again. I seemed couldn’t control my own life. As if it’s a machine owned by me yet being used by someone else. I always have to be the one to adapt for others, feel for others and if they’re not having a good life it is I who’s to be blamed.
Ask me now what happiness is? Simple –– being alone, by myself in my rented place and all the time to spare for myself and with whatever I decided to do –– that is HAPPINESS.
As far as I know, I’ve been a good person. A good and abiding daughter to my parents. I never brought trouble in our family. A good and reliable sister to my brothers. A good and loyal employee. A good and trusted friend to almost everyone and anyone. I could have done some backbiting once in awhile, out of anger and frustration. But it’s not my nature. As far as I know, I’ve never hurt or made anyone cry. It is I, who always get hurt.
Actually, it’s one in my list that wanted to achieve (hopefully) before I die –– to make some cry.
Weird as it may seems but it is in my list, to make someone cry. I always cry. I cry in my room, in the dark even at times in our work bathrooms just to hide. I wonder how it feels when you made someone cry… like making one’s life miserable? Could it be that fulfilling? Right now, I really consider it as an achievement… if it ever happens.