Tonight, I am in my place watching over the busy streets below me.
I live on a street perpendicular to a gimik place. I came home later than my usual time going home. Traveling time is longer than usual.
Unlike any other nights, I walked the whole stretch of that busy street down until I reach the street where I live. My primary reason was to wake me up. I am tired from work and lack a decent sleep since I came home already 2 this morning and went back to work at the office a little past 9:00 AM.
Woke up at 5:30 AM.
I hear some laughter below my place. A gay bar is located a few steps from my building. Obviously, they ARE having fun.
I may be sounding like a grumpy, old and bitter complainant. I may be. I may be not. I’m just running down some thoughts here that strikes me once in a while. I tend to notice things happening around me lately. Perhaps, partially I am assessing my life.
Where I am now is the product of what I did prior to today and to what lead from yesterday. I do have regrets and the “what if’s”. Who doesn’t? I rant and I bitch around… well, lately, I am bitching. Hahaha! That’s one major learning this life taught me!
Funny thing is I complain when I have lots of things to do in my hand and yet, I am saddened when I have nothing at hand. Feeling useless and sudden thoughts lingers in my head. Thoughts I don’t care about before and now bothers or even haunts me. Questions, questions, questions… Ha! I am a normal human being after all. Humans are never satisfied.
It just struck me a while ago that I have no definite plans in my life. Well, I used to have before. Have a kid of my own, if there won’t be any man beside me but at least a kid to raise. But before that, I have to make sure that I can give this future child of mine a life if not equal should be better than what I am having. Then, it changed to living by myself and a pet dog, stable life. Stability is another word that is profound and uncertain for me right now.
I do live my life day by day. Surviving day by day. Troubled if my money would reach up until my next pay check. If I am asked now how and where I see myself 5 years from now, honestly, I’d panic. I do worry. Yes, I am a worrier… and a pleaser of others. I try to remove the pleasing part. All my life as I recall revolved around others. It’s hard to take it away but it’s a big step that I finally accepted that fact.
Where to start? Which one to retain? Where to go? Have alternatives?
One step at a time.