Monthly Archives: October 2008

It’s Near…

Yes. Undeniably, it is near.

Some are happy. Honestly, right now, I’m not.

I call it the pre-birthday syndrome.

I’m a lady nearing his mid-30’s. Please understand that if women or generally sensitive on the 3 numbers: waistline, weight and age… at this point, birthday celebrants are a little extra more sensitive. (Extreme and multiple adjective or adverb used there is intended)

Yes, I know. Birthdays are supposed to be happy and be celebrated. It’s sort of a survival of a year and hoping for another year of goodness ahead. See. I know that. It’s just that, as one gets older celebrations seemed not quite festives. It’s like Christmas I guess.

I know. I’m being pessimistic here. A nega. All black aura around me. Could you blame me? It’s my birthday anyway. What I lately appreciate is some solitude. Perhaps an escape somewhere out there. No stupid people. No naggers. No demands. Just peace and quiet. But I guess that peace I’m looking for once bestowed will be forever. Because that’s way down 6 feet under.

Oh. Don’t get me wrong. I’m no suicidal. That hurts. Me not the type to inflict self-pain or torture. Excuse me. That I assure you.

Sigh. This is just a phase. Next week I think (hopefully) I’ll be fine. Not sure if I’d be normal but fine for sure. Life is what we make it, isn’t it?

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Posted by on October 21, 2008 in Emotional and Physical Turmoil


Uncomfortably Anxious

It’s Sunday. I’m at home and yet not having that home-my feeling. I don’t know if it’s the environment, the time or just me. I just feel uneasy.

I don’t if it’s the deadlines. My situation. I really don’t know. I can’t even describe totally what I am feeling. It’s just that watching TV, surfing or just doing something keeps me insane. Or those mentioned makes me escape that “feeling”.

All I know for certain, in a few days I’d be another year old-er.


To Greet or Not To

I just don’t know how or where to start…

I thought I’d forgotten all about it since we’ve lost communications. I’m still not whole-heartedly willing to greet you. I’m not so sure if I should…

But it kept playing in my head over and over again, his voice… him saying “… because she’s my friend”.

I’m divided…and undecided.

Friends have advised me to go and greet. I’ve nothing to lose, that’s what they’ve said. True. But somehow I have this tiny part of me that has some resentment in doing so.

What’s keeping me from greeting a “friend”:
1) I just thought that this “friend” of mine, knowing his work nature will be very busy
2) I feel bad when greetings were not somehow acknowledged or reciprocated 😦
3) There’d be tons of friends to greet him, he might not even notice my SMS, email or IM message

Oh well… whether he replied back, noticed my greeting or not… might as well greet him. At least I didn’t forget. An elephant never forgets, right?

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Posted by on October 16, 2008 in Questions and Inquiries


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Not the Usual Monday Recap

For a Tuesday I am quite relaxed today. This isn’t the usual Tuesdays that I had for the past years. Usually today, I cram for the mockups, the submissions or presentation that I have to provide after lunch for the usual iTuesday meeting with our client. But with a great move by my boss, Myles, he was able to persuade of moving back the weekly meeting to it’s original day – Wednesday. Today, I have a whole day to finish what is to be presented tomorrow morning. At least I get to organize my mind and work out the “list” for 2 days rather than just 1 ½. Well, mostly it’s just 1 day, the half I don’t consider it as a time to work mockups. Rushing things is greatly prone to error. I’m not making it up, ikt’s based from experience.

Anyway… what did I miss out noting yesterday? Hmmm…

Ah! Commuting experience prevailed again. Monday morning was a usual drag. I have to get up really early so not to have a hard time chasing a bus ride to Manila. Lately I have to make sure that I am at least with my Nanay in the province on weekends. Well, at least a full Sunday and go to church with her (eaerly Sunday morning, take note). I know she kind of felt alone with her senior age. Before I used to go back to my place (it’s just rented) in QC by Sunday night to avolid the rush and traffic on Mondays. I’ve experienced hell on Monday. Bloody commuting hell where you have to stand up, hold on to something while being cramped, carrying a heavy knapsack with my life there (my Powerbook, I mean) for an hour or so, depends on traffic while the bus rans for more than 120 km/hr. But I guess because of love, I have to do the “running” on Mondays again. But this time, I have to be on the bus BEFORE 6:00 AM.

Ok, so much for the introduction.

So this entry is about my Monday experience. Well, it’s NOT the usual Monday actually. I was almost late going to work. Not the usual me. Since I left home at around 5:30 AM, I reached my place by a few minutes passed 6. I thought of grabbing an hour of sleep again. So much for my loud alarm in my mobile phone, I woke up by 8:45 AM. Obviously, I turned it off unconsciously. ARGH. Cram-cram.

I commute. As much as possible. Commute I mean, not just having no car to drive (well, basically I have no passion of learning how to drive). When I say commute, I really mean commuting hardcore: riding the jeepney, FX, tricycles, pedicabs and the like. Plus walking and crossing the streets, playing tags with speedy cars and trucks. Yup. The works. I don’t consider taking a cab commuting. Somehow, it’s luxurious plus if take a cab, aside from it’s expensive for me, for safety reasons I usually call them in. Meaning we have certain “suki” cab drivers or usually a cab company that you call and they’ll send a cab to pick you up wherever you are. Of course, for an extra fee.

Well, I think I made it to my work a few minutes late. My fault. But the unusual part there was the commuting experience:

1) The jeep that I rode was quite fast and didn’t mind that almost the whole stretch of the travel, I was the only one riding it. He didn’t stop quite often to pick up passengers unless being hailed. That was different from the usual expected gestures of jeepney drivers who stops at anyone on the sidewalk thinking they are waiting for their ride.

2) My FX ride: On that last route for work more often than not, they are hundreds of jeeps but I swore I’ll never ride those jeeps again. Their drivers don’t drive, they fly!!! First time I rode them my heart seemed to fall on my stomach. I won’t risk my life for such speed. I’d rather be late but made it to work whole and alive. So, I’ll always take the FX for an extra couple of peso on fare. I always pray that the FX won’t be cramped or at least decently clean and well, have working air conditioner. Lucky me, it isn’t cramped, aircon working and well the best part, I have the person beside me smelling and looking good…

He’s not really that handsome actor type, but he seemed working out. And with just a white graphic shirt on, jeans, cream overworn Chucks and truckers cap partly covering his face… well… what else can I “complain”. I swear, he smells good. Like he just got out of the shower smelling good with a few dash of men’s cologne…

*internally swooning*

I wanted to wrap my arms around his left arm that was stretched to his left thigh and lean my head on his left shoulder… Ooops… too much detail being shared there…


If all my commuting experience was such a hit, my goodness! I guess I’d be inspired all day.

So, I guess this week won’t be bad after all. I hope. Well, I say it started right. Quite right and inspiring 😉


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To Blog or Not to Blog…

Well, I miss blogging.. really. I have lots in mind but I’m really having a hard time putting all of it into words until (again) I’ve lost the interest or the urge of posting or writing about it 😦 Time. It’s also a problem. I have my hands quite full lately. And yet, (again) it seems I have no heart and urge of moving. I think I’m about to be burned out? I guess. But one thing is for sure, unlike before, I don’t have the same feelings for “things” any more. Excitement seemed to have been overused. The fire has been put out. Now, how do you rekindle that “fire” inside of me? Hmmm… Do what you want to do. Do what might make you happy. Cutting, constructing, building… from boards/paper? Well, exploring the diecut and dieline world with the help of Google, I jumped from one site to another and found some new toys to make… One is Paperboxworld and the other one is… hmmmm… I’m sorry for that one site that I loved but forgot to bookmark it here in my Mac 😦 I promise I will feature you to make it up for you. Here’s a picture of some of the toys I made before I hand it over to my goddaughters, Milan and Audrey:

Among the pig and cow, I made the cat and the dog as well. Wasn’t able to take pictures of it though. But the kids loved it Ü Cutting boxes and constructing them gives me that “good” feeling. And while continuing to explore that world through the net, I stumbled it in another site (which I have to look for it again and acknowledge it Ü)…

I’d like to have these toys and the shelves for display. Perhaps if I have a place to flaunt my “babies” like trophies I’d be encouraged and inspired. But for now, I’d be just looking at this picture… for the meantime, I got this: Sketched with the used of Wacom Bamboo (borrowed from my bosing Myles) in Adobe Photoshop. It’s my first digitally sketched elephant Ü Oh well… life goes on… That’s all for now, folks.

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Posted by on October 12, 2008 in Uncategorized


Good News… Somehow…

Well, a quick blog to ease up some “nerves” on me and for those who are kind of concern…

Things seemed getting better. Let’s say I’m in a bit of “recovery”…

At times it helps to think happy thoughts. Some say you’re denying the reality. Escaping the truth. It could be. But as long as it helps, and you know what you are doing, I think one can “come back”.

We need to escape once in a while… for sanity’s sake…

I’m coping… fighting. Well, you can’t please everybody… but right now, my priority is myself.

A lot of sacrifices still happening.

A lot of tears still kept.

But I’ll be fine.

Sigh. I miss blogging…


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Lowest Point

Today has been my lowest point of my life: financially. A few days ago was just my pay day. My salary just passed my hand and I still owe a couple of thousands for my rent.

This happens once in awhile. But I get by. Perhaps that’s why I consider myself living on the edge, literally. If not for some people who didn’t do what they promised like this publisher promising to deposit their payment for this book cover illustration I did for them. I had to pick them up tonight.

I want to get mad but I can’t. I want to cry but I know tears won’t turn to gold anything substantial that can be converted to monetary.

Today I checked my wallet and coin purse to see if my money there would be enough even as for my transportation to the bank and to my work… I won’t even make it to the gates of our office…


Then I remembered saving this hundred peso bill with a UP Centennial logo printed on it. I saved that for keeping: as a remembrance that I was alive when my university reached it’s 100th year. Now, in desperation I have to use it.

Today is the lowest point I can ever have been… and wish this will be the last.

Thanks to friends who supports (and let me money). But I have to stick to my word to pay them when I told them so. I have to keep my word. Lesson learned the hard way, NEVER depend on others who from the start you have a gut feel is not to be trusted. Work will be work but really, believe me, some are old but seemed to have never learned from the years they’ve been living.

If tonight that person won’t still give my payment, they will be sorry for ever working with me. They may not be to work with other illustrators again.

I wish I’ll get by at this situation. This too shall pass… I hope. It’s my birthday month, not quite a nice way for a start 😦


Posted by on October 3, 2008 in Emotional and Physical Turmoil, Rants


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