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Category Archives: Emotional and Physical Turmoil

Ending, Leaving and (Hopefully) Starting Anew

I can finally say that November 2011 was a crazy month for me. Last year’s was recalling my birthday celebration in Bangkok, birthday greets to my friend Gian and Audrey and a few posts of Peanuts comic strips. I guess the similarities of last year’s November with this years aside from the birthday was being busy with work.

 

But this month of this year is really the craziest I can remember.

  • deadlines
  • weekend out of town
  • get togethers
  • meet ups
  • going home in the province
  • going out of town commuting (for the first time)
  • arguments and debates (and giving in despite arguing)
  • emotional roller coaster in a matter of 24 hours

I’m glad in an hour it’s over.

Perfection won’t be as it is without flaws and deficiencies. I was at my happiest at one point this month and also on my lowest and unimaginable state perhaps. I’ve realized something and chose a path beyond expectations of anyone who knows me and still holding to it despite being attacked and judge.

I thank November for making me realize that I’ve never prayed hard enough. It made me figure out that I’ve neglected God that’s why He gave me a nudge or two. November made me talk to God like He’s just across me. I’ve never prayed and talked to Him that way without realizing I was crying already.

I leave it be. I leave those that happened as November ends in a few minutes. I bring with me realizations November brought me. Big, BIG realization… and action that should go with it.

 

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Full 360 Degrees And Back

Ang tagal kong di nagsulat. Tapos ngayon Taglish (Tagalog-English combined) naman. There’s no best way na makwento ko ‘yung nasa isip ko ngayon but in that way.

Na-realize ko lang kanina habang pinipilit kong kumain ng almusal na napapa-English na pala ako kagabi. Oo, lumabas din ang siguro coño side or pagka-kolehiyala ko kagabi habang humahagulgol sa sakit at confusion na nangyari kagabi lang.

Sa title ko, ‘yan ‘yung naramdaman ko in less than 24 hours. Full swing or full round from being happy to sudden pain and sadness. Well, lamang naman nung saya or happy moments kasi nung Linggo pa ‘yun. Pero kahapon, Monday, from high to bottom ako. Never in my life would have I imagined na ganu’n pala kasakit na natakot ako na baka atakihin ako ng hika or biglang magsugod sa ospital ang 2 sobrang lalapit kong mga kaibigan na halos kapatid ko na. Pero may point na wala na akong pakialam habang nanghihina ka na sa kakapigil umiyak pero sumabog ka na. Pinipigilan ko pa dahil ayaw kong ma-witness ng mga bata at their young age na ang Ninang ‘Ba nila, sa tandang ito e humahagulgol sa garden nila.

Ganu’n pala ‘yung sinasabing “breakdown”. Akala ko OA lang ‘yung sa movies. Para ka pala talagang nauubos na kandila. Mangangatog ang tuhod at sobrang kinokontrol mo na ‘wag mag-pass out. Sobrang gulo na nang isip mo kasi wala ka nang magawa sa mga panahon na ‘yun.

Ok, magulo ba? Sorry. Ganito na lang: siguro naman may pagkakataon na sa buhay n’yo na sobrang saya n’yo na halos gusto mong ilibre ang buong mundo sa nararamdaman mong happiness kahit alam mong either ang babaw naman nu’n reason ng kaligayahan mo sa ibang tao or pwedeng isipin nila na gaga or tanga ka because of that PERO wala kang pakialam. Basta masaya ka. PERIOD. Nung Sunday, ganun ako. Nakakangawit pala sa pisngi ‘yung lagi kang napapangiti? Nagka-facial exercise ako ng hindi inaasahan. ‘Yung happiness nubng Sunday was 2-way. And it has transcended until Monday early evening.

Ayan, the down side kicked in the moment na ang reason na kung bakit ka masaya biglang kumontra. ‘Yung naramdaman mo na naman na “it’s me against the world” na naman ba ito? Na pinaglalaruan na naman ba ako ni Fate at ano ba Lord, nagjo-joke ka na naman ba? Grabe! Ang daming tanong. Ang sakit sa ulo na ‘yung skull mo parang binibiyak ng bread knife lang. Na ‘yung puso mo hindi kumakabog nang mabilis kundi parang it stopped tapos hindi ka makahinga. Pero OA di ko naisip na ikakamatay o mamamatay na ako. Adik pa rin ako kasi despite na ang happiness nung Sunday e nag-turn around yata, inaalala ko pa rin ‘yung field work ko mamaya sa MOA at ‘yung i-email kong JPEGs na submission para bukas.

Mabait nga siguro ako. Gaga at tanga na sa sobrang kabaitan. Pero siguro, kahit isa sa inyo dyan na matiyagang makakabasa nito will nod and will say “oo nga” that there’s one person in your life, reasonably but most likely hindi mo maipaliwanag in words na maiintindihan ng lahat na ipagtatanggol mo, naiintindihan mo at kung pwede lang, kung genie ka lang bibigyan mo ng 3 wishes. Hindi counted ang parents o family members ha? Nasa dugo ‘yun e. Pero isang tao, kahit ano pa s’ya noon, kahit alam mong mga nangyari sa kanya, strangely tanggap mo. Etong tao na ito na nawala, bumalik, nawala na naman da’l magulo man ang utak pero pilit na inaayos ang buhay e bumalik nga tapos mawawala na naman, anong gagawin mo?

It ran in my mind last night those lines we usually say to our friends na perhaps in such situation too.

“He’s not meant for you.”

“Niloloko ka lang n’ya.”

“Baka naman psychiatrist lang tingin n’ya sa’yo.”

“Gago/tarantado/ s’ya para ganyanin ka.”

“You’ll be ok.”

Those words, you wanted to defy it. First time in my life, nung tinanong akong “Ok ka lang ba?” sumagot ako na “Honestly, hindi.”

Sa mga breakdowns kailangan talagang merong kahit isang kaibigan kang sensible na magtutuwid ng pag-iisip mo. Alam naman natin ang gagawin e. Nasasabi at napapayo pa nga natin di ba? Pero iba kapag ikaw na ‘yung nasa situation. Gusto mo lang ibalik ‘yung dati, ‘yung pwede bang gamitin ‘yung remote control ng TV to rewind or mag-undo keys ka para mabura at ma-redo mo.

Full 360 comes in now. After the begging, yes, I begged and felt that was my lowest point in my life me trying to be strong despite alone and independently living and attempting to be a woman with balls, begged. Nawala ang pride-pride. Nagagalit ako hindi sa kanya at uulitin ko ulit sa mga nakakaalam na ‘wag kayong magalit sa kanya kasi may kasalanan din ako. Baka may na-imprint sa akin o akong nag-imprint. Basta, sana understand that du’n ako sumaya. Some felt and even witnessed that. A few hours after my head was somehow thinking straight na and thoughts were collected. After a text and an attempted for a couple more times to call and talk to him after the dropping calls and the fact na alam mong ayaw ka n’yang kausapin kasi  alam n’yang umiiyak ka na at di ka papapigil, nagbukas din sya ng phone. He replied from my last text message and without hesitation kahit sabi ng lahat ‘wag kang bibigay, ‘wag kang tatawagan, ‘wag ka muanng makipag-usap, tumawag ako.

Hindi man fully happy ending. Hindi man kami for now. At least he’s not leaving or disappearing again. Parehas lang pala ‘yung mawawala na lang pa parang bula sa mawawala na nagpaalam kapag ayaw mong mawala s’ya sa’yo ulit. Hindi rin n’ya ako natiis na iwan ulit siguro kaya nagbukas s’ya ng phone. Basta ang importante sa amin, lalo sa akin, questions were answers. Blurry lines were cleared. Proven na mali talaga ang mga akala. Bumalik, umikot, full circle.

One has waited for years, won’t you wait for probably a few more days or weeks or years? Ewan ko. Gaga nga siguro talaga ako pero ito ‘yun e. Waiting won’t be of a waste. No doors closed. Dignified pa rin ako. Haba pa nga nang hair ko kasi may mga bagay na lumabas kagabi na nakalimutan ko na at mga salitang even in my dreams never thought I’d be hearing. Sorry, hindi “I love you”… we both have respect on those sacred words lalo na kung hindi handa ‘yung magsasabi or makakarinig.

Lesson ko dito: we are reminded. We have rules, written and unwritten. We know what to do and yet may weight pa rin kung tama ba o mali sa’yo at sa situation. Pero at the end, you’ll decide. Make a choice. Follow the rules. Follow what is said or written pero IKAW pa rin ang makapagsasabi. I took the RISK. Expected the worst (although I was caught off guard) and hoped for the best. It ended not perfect but better. We’re both in a better disposition. Smiling.

May continuation pa ba ito? Meron naman. Sana. Walang anuman na di maayos nang hindi napag-uusapan. Again, expect the worst but still hope for the best.

;)

 

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Me and Steve Jobs

Apple's Homepage on the announcement of Steve Jobs death

I cried (and still having a few burst of tears since yesterday).

The news of Steve Jobs passing away was not a shock to me but more on regret because it was too soon for him to die at 56. But seeing him present his “Stevenotes” with a drastic change of his physique somehow tells me he is really sick and he is fighting and surviving it.

But actually I was in denial. And in fear.

Denial because I don’t want him to go. I’m worried of what will Apple become when he’s not the CEO anymore. I fear for him and for his family and friends that he’ll be leaving behind.

I am affected by Steve Jobs.

He is the only stranger that I shed my tears this much (up till now while I’m writing this) second to but more than the time when Pope John Paul II died. He’s not my father, not my uncle, not even a friend nor a neighbor. He is far from where I live and where I am. I’ve never met him. But he’s one of the famous and remarkable people I dream to meet but for sure I’ll be tongue-tied and star struck if that did happen. I’m not even close to his fans that know his story, his achievements and waiting in the wee hours of the day just to watch him present the new innovations of Apple. But I’ll say it again, I am affected.

I tried to keep the emotion since yesterday. I was trying to keep it to myself. I was late in going to work. A colleague was brave enough to raise that we were strangely quiet almost the whole day in the office. I tried to work normally but it was really tough.

But the show must go on.

Wired.com homepage on the announcement of his passing

While I was on my way home last night, I was pondering why my reaction to his death was like this. It could be because I have lived more than half my life away from my family and lived by myself. There has always at least an Apple device with me after college. My work has always been in the field of arts and design. I’ve set my hands on the “candy” iMac to its present, really powerful and beautifully designed version. I’ve saved up to have my first and own personal Mac which was the TiBook and now I’m writing this with the latest 13-inch MacBook Pro. I bought the very first iPod Mini a couple of years after I had my TiBook and it took years for that iPod to be replaced by a blue 3rd Gen Nano as a Christmas present. I am not well off. I just have enough to support myself and I get by every paycheck. But as a designer, Apple is my Louis Vuitton. (I had to give credit to Mommy Ria, my colleague and friend for saying that yesterday.)

So you see, Apple has always been beside me and with me everyday: from the moment I wake up, I listen to the radio through iRadio attached to Bluwee, the blue 3rd Gen Nano. I read quick news via Twitter and see what’s new with my friends through Facebook with Sparkee, my MBP. I go to work, answer emails, create and submit designs with the assigned iMac to me. Then I go home and again write or read blogs, check if there’s something interesting to pin from Pinterest or watch a movie or TV series online.

Boring to some, but that’s my life. Simple but it has Apple. I know that there are innovators and other geniuses that worked with Steve Jobs as these people are blabbing, that too much credit is being given to him. Well, he just had led a fallen company back up that’s just one. He just innovated personal computers. He just revolutionized portable devices. He just changed how people can listen to music, use their mobile phones, use the net while on the go and document their lives. He just opened up a new industry and new businesses when Apple came out with the MacBooks, iPod, iPhone and iPad. He just eased some of our daily lives and live it in style. I will not deny that owning an Apple device is like a badge of achievement to me. It’s an honor. (And a bragging factor, of course)

Even if I missed my chance of meeting and shaking Steve Jobs hand, I feel everyday he is with me. Each morning I’m listening to him and day after day, I’m working with him. Steve Jobs will not be forgotten. Steve Jobs will be remembered.

Steve Jobs leans against his wife, Laurene Powell Jobs (Image by Lea Suzuki/San Francisco Chronicle/Corbis)

As I write this, like to anyone we love who’ve left us and went ahead, we have to say goodbye or do something as closure. Steve Jobs has contributed a lot and made his point. He fought for what he believed in. He fought his disease and survived the first battle. And I believe he fought hard. He too gets tired like anyone of us. And now it’s time for him to rest.

 

To Steve Jobs…

Sir,

Wherever you are, whether you’re on the (i)Cloud or somewhere else, up until now I don’t know what to say. They’ve said a lot already to you and to honor and remember you. You know what you’ve done because you believed it can be done. You believe that anything can be made great. Thank you for giving and sharing to us what you’ve believed in. Thank you for making our lives now easier and yes, cooler thanks to your Apple devices. I’ll definitely miss the “Stevenotes”, the only presentation that’s exciting to watch and not boring. Thank you for making the child in us laugh and cry with your Pixar movies. There will be no replacement of you, Sir. But it’s time for you to rest.

Farewell, Sir. Thank you for thinking differently. 

Image by weird-science (from Deviantart)

 

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In Memoriam: Djupryadi Muliauwan (Pak Eddy)

Pak Eddy driving (March 2010)

Earlier today I told a couple of friends through text/SMS that I feel heavy in the inside. And later today, the feeling became heavier when we were told that our friend, known to us as Pak Eddy passed away because of liver failure.

Pak Eddy, 1973-2010

I’ve known him quite briefly but in that short time, I’ll always remember Pak Eddy as a gentle, very kind, very friendly and thoughtful person. His face was so quiet and always flashes you a smile that you’ll be ashamed not to feel happy and not to smile back.

I have been holding back my tears since this morning. As I write this now, I couldn’t hold it any longer. His death is quite fast and I feel that something was taken away unjustly. He’s too young too die. He doesn’t deserve it. Naiinis ako. But we can’t bring back Pak Eddy anymore :(

Right now, I feel blessed that somehow I was given a chance to know a person as good and kind as Pak Eddy even for just awhile. He’s an angel now, looking over at us. Smiling.

Thank you, Pak Eddy. We’ll miss you :_(

With Pak Eddy (left) at Monas Monument (Jakarta, March 2010)

 
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Posted by on August 4, 2010 in Emotional and Physical Turmoil

 

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Not So Good Wednesday

It could have been a good day. But it didn’t started good nor ended in favor to me.

The past few days were not perfect as well but in some aspects, I see some reason to wake up everyday and smile.

You can’t have it all.

I’m beginning to agree on that. Even as work begins to be of burden and the passion is running out but someone came in to give me a nod and pat me at the back. But then again, all that seems good (enough) won’t last.

I am angry and felt betrayed but it’s me who should be blamed. I took the trail fooled with false hopes. It was good to be inspired but never ever expect and depend your (momentary) happiness to anything or anyone.

Everything is temporary.

Do you know the feeling of having that adrenalin rush, get blinded then smashed on a concrete wall and then being thrown off the cliff? Or just being given a high five but on the face? I felt that a few hours ago.

Under the Rain

And then it rained. Hard. For hours.

I feel low. I have no more tears to shed. I wish this rain will wash my memories away. I want to forget… to start a new.

The day is about to end.

Rain… please take what I’m feeling now away.

I don’t want to talk about it anymore. Enough jokes. No more teasing. Enough discussions. No more false hopes. No more promises.

I want to forget. It. Him.

 
 

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Sometimes You Only Have Yourself

I have those moments.

Those moments that you feel alone though there are people physically beside you. When things are not working the way you hoped for. When you feel like the world is against you.

Some call it “emo” moments… I call it loneliness. Sometimes depression.

But whatever it should be called, there’s only one we can depend on… ourselves.

Let me share a writing that inspired and ok, slapped me back to reality. Thanks you, Slaveboi. You’re like an angel given to me with this piece of work you did. Thanks for visiting and reading my blog. Hope you won’t get tired of coming back Ü Looking forward to meet you someday, dear ^_^

 

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Saudade

It’s read as sau-da-jee as one of my writer friends told me. It’s a new word for me but it was quite timely and accidental that I discovered this word. For the past weeks I have this feeling that I can’t fully explained. I can’t find the write words to describe it.

I was searching the net when I stumbled upon kartoen.be and the strip below caught my attention:

By Jeroen from his site http://www.kartoen.be

I have a tendency to be nosy. Seeing that there are comments on this strip I decide to check it out lo and behold, I read the term… saudade. He provided the link explaining it from wikipedia.com. It says there:

Saudade is a Portuguese and Galacian word for a feeling of nostalgic longing for something or someone that one was fond of and which is lost. It often carries a fatalist tone and a repressed knowledge that the object of longing might really never return.”

Tough.

Other line that struck me says:

“It may also be translated as a deep longing or yearning for something which does not exist or is unattainable.”

Match.

And with that, Mr. month of June… I hope you bring me a better feeling than this. Mid-year. The last half to have a life to live, fight for and make the most of 2010.

(Which reminds me, I haven’t hit any beach yet and summer (by month) is over already)

 

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My Plant Died on Me

It’s the only plant I have. It’s an indoor mini plant that is soilless (Miura hydro culture plants) and needed to be watered twice a week. According to the brochure its name is pachira aquatica locally called “money tree”. After having it with me for months and being my sole living companion in my unit, it shed its last batch of tiny stem and leaves yesterday.

It died on me.

I’m not so sure if it’s the heat. I gave my neighbor the same kind of soilless plant and theirs is still green and alive. I didn’t neglect it as some of my friends speculated. I greeted it “good morning” everyday and never failed to say “goodbye” when leaving it and “hello” when I get back from work. Other said it might have absorb all my bad vibes or bad energies surrounding me the past weeks specially during the Mercury retrograde. I guess it’s the same concept as that of the gold fish dying as the fish sacrifices its life rather than a human life being taken away in the household where the fish belongs…

Superstitions… but the negative vibes and my plant dying could be. ‘Cause the weird part was, the leaves was not the usual browning, drying and crunchy thing. It’s like bright green leaves turning olive green, then brownish but not drying and crunchy. More of soft withered and then droops down or falls off.

To Manny (my plant’s name) thank you…

Manny, my Miura plant (what's left of it)

Time to get a new one. But I’ll get 2 different kinds this time.


 

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Heartbreaking and Tearjerking

First things first… I have to admit I easily get carried away. Close friends tell me I’m such a cry-baby. I cry watching movies specially if my other aspired BF John Lloyd Cruz is in pain and crying (ok, I’m gullible too… happy?)

I’m a dog person. But his video… made me cry. Good thing I was already alone in our office.

I felt the sadness and the heartbreak if the male cat.

Actually, I fear of being in the position of any of the cats… *sniffs-sniffs*

 

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Drained (and Feeling Defeated?)

I feel like a loser. And I never ever wanted to use that word to others what more to myself.

I feel like beaten. like the feeling of running and running to hours, even days and yet you seemed not to reach or even don’t have a specific destination to go to. Or that feeling of waking up from really long hours of sleep and yet you still feel exhausted.

I’m tired.

 
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Posted by on November 13, 2009 in Emotional and Physical Turmoil

 

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