19 May

It’s been a roller coaster ride these pat few weeks. Again, I’ve been missing lots of chance to blog topics, events, happenings or even ideas that came to me. Sigh.

Perhaps it’s just all work for me. Well, it’s my life… I chose it then I have to deal with it. Just like a dear friend who ever one notices that he “kills” himself with work, his reason is so he has no time to “think”. That might have worked for him, for me it doesn’t. And I worry. Not just for what’s happening to me, much of what is happening to him… and where in the world is he?! Gahd! Even his boss-friend is looking for him.

I’m sad and shameful for being a disappointment to my dear friend and almost an older sister to me. Despite that we communicated recently via email and SMS, I can’t deny that she’s really angry at me. It is only to her that I am lost of words to say after I apologize. It’s really my fault not doing her favor which she asked nicely early this month. I have no excuse of being irresponsible again. I don’t know if she’ll be able to read this, I’m really sorry and I do fear you when you get angry. I feel really shameful, awkward and scared.

Though things can run smoothly with a bit of side trips here and there to entertain myslef once in a while. But it just hits my nerve when some people are so insensitive and irresponsible. He’s irritating!!! It’s hard for me to stay in the gray area. It’s just always black or white for me. I’m really disappointed on what has happened with the group. But it’s beyond my control and as part of the team I had to deal with it and respect the decision of our leader. I was just told to hold on to where I am, I wish, no I PRAY that God give me further patience and ignore people who seemed to think of themselves alone. May God keep him away from me because I fear myself of what I am capable of when I snap.

It’s a good thing that I have friends outside of the work circle. If not for them I might have broken down or snapped and give in. releasing emotional (baggages?) rants and raves to friends help a lot. And a few random or unplanned trips really, really helped. Ate Marj and Jose dragged me off my work seat and brought me with them 2 weekends ago to Subic to breathe non-polluted, stress-free and workless air. Sea breeze… aaaahhhhh… simple pleasures I suppose. Considered that as my initial summer getaway. A preparation or a kickoff of my getaways (hopefully). Not able to swim with them due to some “alien” encounters but I am relieved and hapy that weekend. And they were able to see my humble home in Bulacan and meet my Nanay. Oh! Onyx, their black labrador… she’s such a darling to comfort me too… which reminds me, I still have to blog that trip.

Time. Such an expensive leisure? Grammar. Argh!

The last weekend was my great escape to work and city-life that’s been so stressful and so much in rush. It was quite quick though and butt did hurt from hours of sitting in a bus. But it’s so worth it. Expect it to be blogged after I sorted that photos (and I wish it would be soon too). I guess me being from a province too much appreciated the scenic views of Quezon rather than my own place which now have flyovers, malls and fastfood chains. I was really like a tourist taking pictures of anything and everything. I don’t mind looking stupid. I was really happy at that time. As if I’m like a dog being unleashed from it’s collar chains.

Have you ever felt as if you are being chased and been running quite long and yet you don’t seemed to reach the end? Well, that’s how I felt the whole week last week at work. Lots of surprises, expected events that I should have been prepared for. It’s nothing for some but I feel it’s really tiring when everytime I get home there are times I missed brushing my teeth out of sleepiness and tiredness. The degree of being busy and ability to handle stress do depend on each one of us on how we deal with it. It’s one of those subjective topics. I don’t compare so don’t compare mine to anyone elses. No one will win.

Sleep was my mere escape and rest but somehow it’s deprived. Thank God the rush is a bit (take note, a bit NOT totally) over but I feel there’s more to come. It’s the life a choose, again I have to deal with it.

It was so fast. Unnoticed to me until it’s over or passed all these happened in less than 2 weeks? How many emotions have I confronted? It’s just as far as I could remember. And I am blogging aimlessly again. Just typing away whatever thoughts I have.

An emotional release perhaps.

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Posted by on May 19, 2008 in Rants, Realizations


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